Educating My Fair Lady

Educate, Don’t Exasperate

 “Words, words, words--I’m so sick of words! I get words all day through, first from him, now from you! Is that all you blighters can do?” -- Eliza Doolittle, My Fair Lady

Really? More rain in Spain?

The above quote is taken from the opening of Eliza’s song “Show Me”, about halfway through the play. She is exasperated by Higgins, because nothing she does or says seems to please him. Further complicating her mood is Freddy, a young man of society who is hopelessly infatuated with her, despite only having met her briefly. Freddy seems convinced that she is a goddess incarnate and expresses his love for her in the most flowery of poetic terms. These showers of unfounded praise serve only to frustrate Eliza further, prompting the ranting in “Show Me”. I find three key principles of communication in this song, and today I'd like to address the first.

The professor bombarded Eliza with words: how to dress, how to eat, how to sit, how to speak.  Not only did he lecture at length about these things, but he also assigned her words and phrases to iterate as exercises in correct pronunciation.  These word exercises were then followed by verbal feedback--mostly critical and derisive.  “You always ____.”  “If you would just _____.”  “Why must you be so______?” Professor Higgins glossed over any progress she was making with a cursory remark of satisfaction to spend the majority of the time focusing on what she was doing wrong, so that he showed little appreciation at all for her effort.

We, too, encounter these and similar phrases commonly, both at home and in the workplace.  Many times they are delivered with the mask of “constructive criticism”.  "If you didn't_____, then I wouldn't be so stressed when I come home!" "Maybe you would get that promotion if you wouldn't ______ all the time!"

But if your co-worker hears constant criticism and minimal praise, she will soon become exasperated and stop putting effort into her work...after all, what profit has her work thus far gained her?  In another situation, if a wife often tells her husband ways in which he can improve, but rarely points out the reasons why she loves him already, he will throw up his hands and cease to try, since he can never appear to satisfy her.

It is essential to balance praise and advice in our interactions with others. Only positive feedback can become meaningless (which I'll talk about next time), but a constant stream of critique quickly deteriorates the relationship. Whether I care for my friend or not, if I only tell her ways to "fix" herself (I may even be motivated by the desire for her good!), she will believe that I only put up with her and do not enjoy her good qualities--or indeed, that she may have no good qualities to speak of since I never mention them. This leads to either silent enduring of an exasperating burden, or equally critical retorts. Where in this sort of relationship is love? Love speaks to better the beloved--to reinforce the worthwhile qualities that raise the beloved to a higher humanity, and to assist in the riddance of characteristics that detract from the beloved's potential.