Silent Tears

“No words of hate, revenge or gall...her silent tears would say it all.” -- Silent Tears, by Craig Courtney

Tragedy often strikes without warning, and in the emotional flood that follows we often struggle to find adequate expressions for our storm of feelings.  “I’m sorry for your loss” becomes trite to the broken heart.  And what words can even approach the overwhelming pain that calamity brings?

The opening quote is from a song about a mother whose son is brutally executed by the government before her eyes, and she can do nothing to stop the unfolding scene.  The expression of her grief in this heart-rending situation is poignant: she doesn’t say a word, for what words could suffice?  No insults or threats of reprisal could change what is happening, no revenge or anger could return him to life, and certainly no words exist to convey the piercing depth of her pain.  When words are not enough, what can impart such anguish?

Silence.

To remain silent is to accept that the felt emotion is beyond words.  Words inherently limit our experiences, for language exists to describe our world.  But when our experience surpasses our pre-catalogued array of human emotions, how can we communicate?  We could invent a word, perhaps.  But it would still be foreign to those around us, and thus we would continue in isolation, cut off from society by our suffering.  But silence recognizes that there is a hole, a blank which can be filled by no word.  And silence allows that emptiness to dwell in one’s heart and one’s mind, thereby respecting the emotion’s depth and extent much more than a verbal description ever can.

When someone close to you grieves, the same idea applies.  Do not diminish his experience by trying to describe it, or worse yet relate it back to yourself.  If he wants to talk, then be silent and listen to the outpouring of his feelings.  If she does not want to talk, then be silent, and hold her close.

Be silent, and cry with him.

Be silent, and look through photos with her.

Be silent, and play golf with him.

Americans especially have a difficult time with this; to us, silence feels like ignoring the elephant in the room.  But many times silence will bring the elephant to the forefront of everyone’s attention, allowing all involved to reconcile its existence in relationship to theirs.

I saw a Japanese movie once, of which I remember almost nothing.  But there is one scene which I remember clearly: an elderly woman and her childhood friend, both survivors of the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings, visit each other on the anniversary of the bombings.  They sit in an empty room, facing each other and saying nothing for hours.  One woman’s grandchildren are in the house, and a younger one asks an older one why the women do not speak.  The older grandchild replies, “What could be said?”

Anything Goes?

Or "Why I Started This Blog".

Think about the most crowded city you've ever driven through - What chaos would ensue if everyone interpreted traffic lights differently?  If the direction of traffic on roadways were up to the individual driver to decide? There would be hundreds of accidents every day, if not every minute.  No one could get through the streets and motor transportation would become ineffectual.

Anything does not go. Rules - which establish expectations for the behavior of those around us - are essential for effective, efficient interaction.  This is crucial in driving. I believe it is essential for communication.

"But," one may argue, "these really aren't the same thing at all!  Forgetting punctuation marks and using slang or unclear words is like forgetting to put on the turn signal...or at worst like running a red light.  Other people notice, they honk their horns, but usually everything works out just fine."

Ah! Maybe so. But such an objection assumes that everyone else is following the rules of the road, and only one person acted contrary to them.  But in conversation - whether typed, spoken, texted or tweeted - it is the vast majority who "run the red light"  and only a few who consistently use their turn signals appropriately.

On the road, such wide disregard for standard practice would result in endless collisions.  In interpersonal relationships, this inattention readily manifests its effects as well: fighting-as-normal between partners and spouses, gross misunderstandings between parents and children, employees who feel that management is uncaring and disconnected from life "in the trenches".  How many times have you heard the complaint, "She never listens to me"? Or lamented, yourself, that "they will never understand"?

So much of these disconnected, dysfunctional scenarios could be avoided if we recall and reinforce some standards for communication.  I've listed several below; these and many others I will address as I continue to post.

• Everyone's watching - Your body language should match your words
• Take control - Rather than allowing someone to infer incorrectly, speak up and set the record straight
• Always assume the best intentions - Most people aren't actually out to get you
• No road rage - It doesn't help in driving and it doesn't help in dialogue
• Listen - You've expressed yourself; now let others express themselves to you
• Consistency - Your words and actions must align, or no one will feel like they can trust you
• Know yourself - If you don't understand your reasoning, desires, and motivations, how can others?
• Forgive - Yes, yes, "forgive and forget" - but really, chances are that the current offense is not connected to what ticked you off 5 minutes or 5 days ago. No need to drag that into the fray.

This is only scratching the surface, but they are simple tactics that frequently get lost in emotionally-driven situations, and bear repeating.  What are some tactics that you have used to maintain an open communication line?

My Affair with Language

I am an amateur editor and communicator disguised as an accountant for an insurance company.  While I'm not bad at the accounting business, it is not what I love.  What I love are words.  Words in other languages, words in English, interplay between words in different languages.  I love the harmony and order and beauty and feeling and madness that words can convey when used properly.  

And oh how I desire that all words would always be used properly!  For words used to the height of their potential are among the most powerful things in the universe! Consider that without language society could not exist as a complex, cooperative whole.  Or that words are used to declare war, make peace; they are used to describe the fabric of the universe and to debate matters of life or death.  Words are used to profess undying love and devotion, yet can break hearts and destroy another's trust.  

Words are so important.  Should we not always strive to use them most appropriately and carefully? (That extends to knowing when not to use them!)  So I want to share what I have learned about words with you.  Communication in relationship is one of the most essential pieces of being human.  I do not pretend to be an expert, but I know words and how they affect people better than I know anything else.  Please read what I have to say, and I will be happy to read what you have to say.